So I know that this is the time that most photographers on my feed are sharing their gorgeous pictures from their year. They are finding the “best of” and really showcasing their talent, especially since it’s engagement season. I love seeing all the pretty pictures and all of my friends’ amazing work and I considered doing that too. I have encountered so many wonderful couples and families this year. So many different beautiful souls that have left a mark on me.
But when I look back at this year, I look back and see so many ups and downs. I realize that this is my life now. A life that I love, but a crazy one. It’s very tiring, being a stay at home mom and a working at home (and other places) mom. My schedule is all over the place. I edit from 7pm to 1 or 2am when Paisley is sleeping and then get up and be a mom all day. I’m not a true stay at home mom or a true full time photographer. I can’t just go and meet up during the day to talk business. I can’t keep my house clean, let alone read a parenting book (or even just a regular book) because all of my free time is working on my business.
What I LOVE about my job is I get to meet so many different people at weddings and shoots. I get to capture the happiest time in their lives. I shoot a handful of my own weddings, but the majority of my work is second shooting (that’s when I help another photographer shoot a wedding). And that is just what I need for this season in my life. I get to go to work and I get to stay home and be a mama. It’s pretty much the best of both worlds.
When Aaron and I decided we wanted to add to our family, I made sure we were planning around wedding season so we could still, you know…pay the bills. I carefully calculated everything out and after 3 months of trying we found out we were expecting. So many different thoughts were going through my mind. Having a March due date wasn’t ideal for wedding season, but I knew we would make it work. I started planning away and imagining Paisley as a big sister. Making plans, but trying not to make too many plans until our first appointment. The doctor couldn’t see me until I was 9 weeks along, so I had 5 weeks of waiting. So much anticipation. It was late August when we went to the doctor’s. I held my breath when the words I was fearing so much were spoken. The doctor wasn’t able to find a heartbeat and the baby was measuring 7 weeks.
That is the only word I can use to describe that season. So many questions, so many tears. In my mind, I always knew miscarriage was a very large possibility. I have SO many friends who have also experienced it. My doctor told me 1/3 of pregnancies end in a miscarriage. But you just never know how it feels until it happens to you. I had to have a D&C since my body didn’t know that my baby wasn’t living. The baby was just hanging out in my womb, not alive. Such a weird feeling.
I can say that although this was by far the hardest thing I have ever experienced, that I learned so much. I have learned to be thankful. If/when we get pregnant again, it can end in a miscarriage again, that’s a very real possibility. But when there is another baby, I will be thankful for the life growing in me. I am thankful for the days that I have with my Paisley. I am thankful for the days that I get to live in our dream home, right next to family. With Aaron’s job, the reality is he may go to work one day and not come back. And therefore, I’m thankful for each and every day I have with him. Not just be thankful for these days, but not take them for granted either.
I am so thankful for my clients and for the people that invite me in to tell their story with my art.
And I have learned not to worry.
“Do not worry about things—food, drink, and clothes. For you already have life and a body….don’t be anxious about tomorrow. God will take care of your tomorrow too. Live one day at a time.”
Not everyday is easy. But everyday is beautiful and there is some good, even on the worst days; there is always something we can be thankful for.